I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
