Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize