i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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