i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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