dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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