Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
