i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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