I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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