ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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