I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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