I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
