For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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