I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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