i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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