she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize