I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
