I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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