If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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