Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
