Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
either way he was missing a nipple.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
