Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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