When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
