And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
