i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize