Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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