Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
