I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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