dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
