Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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