"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have fence marks all over my body
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
