Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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