you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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