you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
