I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You ruined the universe
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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