i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
