Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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