If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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