U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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