you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
