True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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