she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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