I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
