I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
