mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
