That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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