It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize