the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
