After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
