and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
