i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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