It's like God shit irony all over that family
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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