Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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