I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
