I wish I could teleport
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
