I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You smell like stripper and shame
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
