There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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