I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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