1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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