Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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