Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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