I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
