She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
