im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
