when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They took my balls.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The feeling are messing with the penis
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
