Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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