uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
